Like anything, there are both advantages and disadvantages to living as an outlier. One advantage was the freedom I felt to be authentic because I never felt the need to alter myself to fit in. Some of the disadvantages were loneliness and suspicion. I began to see most people as untrustworthy, and while it’s possible that it still remains true, regardless of intentions, back then I used it as a reason not to engage with anyone who couldn’t see me for who I was. I was essentially “emo” before it was cool.

When a friend let me borrow his copy of Final Fantasy 7 for Playstation and I started to play it, I quickly became fascinated with Cloud’s character. After reading his bio in the instruction manual, I noticed that his birthday was three days after mine, he had the same blood type as me, and he was the exact same height as me down to the inch. We obviously had our differences, but it made me curious, besides the aforementioned attributes, what else we shared in common.

Cloud was a mercenary who was once part of an elite military unit called SOLDIER, though his membership in SOLDIER turned out to be part of his best friend Zak Fair’s persona — a member of SOLDIER who was killed by the same people who “created” him — and Cloud absorbed his personal backstory unconsciously while being in a near-comatose state after being experimented on for four years following a catastrophic incident that involved the destruction of his hometown and the death of his mother.

Cloud didn’t seem interested in getting to know anyone, but it wasn’t completely revealed why. He went on missions with a rogue group called Avalanche for money, but he never opened up to them about himself. While Cloud wasn’t very expressive on the outside, he was fighting a fierce internal battle on the inside. His mind was fractured by the experiments that were performed on him that consisted mainly of infusions of what is called Mako energy, which is another name for the collective life force of earth that contains the souls of all human beings. Somewhere along the way, the government called Shinra discovered that infusing people with Mako energy gave them unique abilities and superhuman strength. A visible glow can be seen in the eyes of members of SOLDIER, and Cloud’s eyes as well, despite never truly having been a member of SOLDIER. A condensed form of Mako energy known as materia can also be equipped for magical abilities.

Cloud was chosen to be experimented on immediately after the incident where his hometown was destroyed and mother was killed by the most elite member of SOLDIER, Sephiroth. Cloud was a member of the general infantry of Shinra who had no special rank, but somehow defeated Sephiroth, the best of the best, after he went rogue during a mission that involved searching Cloud’s hometown for evidence of reported monsters, with no weapon and even after being run through by Sephiroth’s sword and lifted in the air with only one hand, clearly demonstrating Sephiroth’s alleged superior strength. It would be like a twelve year-old with several months of training somehow beating Mike Tyson in his prime in a fight. This led Shinra scientists to believe that Cloud had some strange potential that should be harnessed for their purposes, until Cloud and his friend Zak escaped.

There were many reasons why I identified with Cloud, and the most significant reasons were: his aforementioned attributes from the manual, having difficulty opening up to most people, facing an internal crisis, having inner strength despite outer fragility and reserve (I was tested many times in middle school and beyond), having an ally with unbelievably piercing and intense eyes who was extremely powerful and a natural “aura farmer” turning into my worst enemy with a connection that seemed to go beyond merely psychological, and being gifted with something enigmatic that threatened to tear you apart from the inside unless it is reconciled (very hard to explain). Situations like these make me wonder if the universe was winking at me, and what character designer Tetsuya Nomura’s inspiration truly was at the time.

After after school, I thought about how I could make Halloween more memorable, like in the old days. I decided I was too old for trick-or-treating (in terms of appropriacy, not ability), and after searching on the internet for gatherings downtown that I didn’t feel like paying a cover charge for due to not drinking and not knowing how it would go once I went inside, I decided a walk down State Street might be the right move. I knew it would be much watered down compared to Freakfest, but I was certain that I’d still be able to see at least a few interesting costumes.

Another thing I was certain of was that I’d be able to walk around relatively unnoticed by people considering I wasn’t the only one who would be in costume, despite carrying a giant sword as big as I was. I couldn’t have been any more wrong. I heard people across the street and down the way shouting, “Hey, it’s Cloud!” and pointing at me. A couple of people wanted to take my photo, including a young Chinese man who I was glad to be able to speak Mandarin to after my years in China. One guy, perhaps due to the influence of alcohol, even shouted, “I love you, man!” The way they behaved, it was almost like they thought they were dealing with the real Cloud, though he never was real, and I found it slightly humorous and was honored at the same time. And after stopping in the Taste of Sichuan restaurant to dine, one of the workers asked if he could have his photo taken holding my foam Buster Sword, and there was at least one person who questioned if it was real.

After walking around for nearly an hour, I decided I had seen and experienced enough to make this Halloween stand out. Cloud and I shared one more parallel. After going through what I think of as the dark night of the soul, we both gained enough certainty about ourselves, despite a poor beginning, to walk around among others freely without feeling alienated anymore. We may never truly fit in, but we no longer have to hide ourselves in the shadows.