Reflections/Jonathan Gramling
Homegoing
There are probably many of you, my dear readers, who don’t know that I was married and had kids what seems like an eternity ago. I met my former wife Joy when I was working on the congressional campaign of Evan Doss, an independent candidate for the seat representing Jackson, MS and the southwest corner of Mississippi.
I was basically in charge of our Jackson office and due to the vandalizing of our campaign office, I was on the evening news show. Well Joy saw me and came to volunteer along with her two-year-old daughter Jennifer. One thing led to another and we got married in 1979 and moved to Madison with Jennifer in tow.
I treated Jennifer as my own child and a year later, in 1980, Andrew was born. We stayed together until 1989 when Joy and I separated and later divorced. We shared custody of the children at first. But due to some circumstances in Joy’s life, I pretty much kept the kids seven days per week.
It was a difficult time for all of us. I was a terrible mother and a pretty good father. And Jennifer was in full-blown adolescence and was filled with rebellion and tried to bring Andrew along for the ride.
After she graduated from high school — or nearly graduated — Jennifer moved back to Jackson to be around her mom’s family and Andrew pretty much stayed with me. And Joy married John and they had a son Myles. They eventually moved to Davis, CA.
Now I had gotten close to Joy’s family because I would see them twice a summer as I took Jennifer and Andrew to stay with their grandmother whom everyone — me included — called ‘Mother’ and then l picked them up again after a couple of weeks. And there was basically nothing to do but to sit around and talk as Joy’s family was of limited means.
When Joy remarried — and Jennifer and Andrew were grown — I got the message that it was awkward with me still being involved with Joy’s family when Joy was trying to strengthen the ties between her new family and her Jackson family. I faded from the picture.
The last time I saw Jennifer was around 1997 when she had a baby and my special friend Anna and I took a care package to Jennifer and to see the new baby. Jennifer knew Anna because we would fly down to Tampa, Florida where Anna lived during Christmas and the summertime before the new regime was put in place.
Last year, Joy died in Davis, CA. She had had breast cancer and I think she died of pneumonia that was aggravated by the cancer. Andrew flew out to Davis shortly after The Hues 17th Anniversaqry Celebration and was able to spend a few days with his mom, although it primarily meant talking to her as she was in a coma. When she died, it was decided that they would have a Celebration of her life at a later date.
The date was set for March 28th. And perhaps a little to my surprise, Andrew told me that I had been invited. I had always learned about what was going on in Jackson through Andrew, I guess he was a go-between. He told me that Jennifer earned an associate’s degree in accounting and I sent her a card and $100 through Andrew. I could tell that Andrew wanted to go and so I said yes, not really knowing what to expect. It had been 27 years after all. And I didn’t know how Jennifer flet about me.
My sister Katy got wind of the celebration and somehow got invited too and flew to Jackson. Andrew and I took the City of New Orleans train from Chicago to Jackson — just like I did sometimes when I was a student at Alcorn State University in the mid-1970s. It was an uncomfortable ride — I had gotten older — and I was left dazed in the middle of the night with the clatter of the train tracks wondering what was in store.
And I realized that I had no idea what to expect. I focused on not having any expectations at all so that I would deal with what presented itself as opposed to having preconceptions that would drive the moment.
I had sent word through Andrew — the intermediary — that I wanted to take Jennifer and her three children to dinner the night we arrived. The oldest — Adrienne — was way grown and had her own son now. Jennifer also had another daughter Lexis and a young son Ayden.
I didn’t hear anything for a while and was wondering if this was a bad omen, that she really didn’t want to see me. I had to keep fighting that thought.
And then about two days before we were set to leave, Andrew told me that Jennifer was looking forward to seeing me. I was relieved.
While I really didn’t have any plan — my fate was really in the hands of John and Joy’s oldest sister Joan — it felt good and was a nice beginning.
Since he had come by himself, Andrew wanted John to be included. I gave it some thought and said yes. While Andrew offered to pay for his meal, I said I would pay for it. We were all in this together or not at all.
Next issue: The Homegoing
