| Cheated Dear Dr. Al, I have been happily married for past eight years to a very wonderful man. There is really nothing more that I can ask for. For years, we shared household bills 50-50. We both would buy whatever was necessary for the house and at the end of the month, we would list all purchases and share the costs. Therefore, if I spent more than 50%, he would reimburse me and if he spent more, I would reimburse him. At one point I noticed that some of my expenses were being excluded from the total list of bills. When I asked him about it, he said that those items should be exclusively for my account. For example, he was not willing to share in the cost of toys for the children and the cost of meals when we ate out as a family. He said that I bought too many toys and that we ate out because I wanted to eat out. Recently, he stopped accumulating costs altogether and told me that I would be responsible for groceries. Of course, Christmas groceries are very expensive. I also had to buy toys for the kids. He said he would buy bicycles but never did. He also said that we should each be responsible for the gas in our own cars. This is ridiculous since he works 10 minutes from home and I work an hour from home. I feel that my husband is trying to cheat me and I am very disappointed in his behavior. When I told him that we have to go back sharing the bills, he agreed (very reluctantly after many heated discussions) but said that we'll start it from January. Why could he not start it from December so that I would not be burdened with the Christmas groceries and gifts. He wants to start it from January so that I would share in the school fees. I know that sex, money and infidelity are the main reasons that marriages break-up. I don't want my marriage to break-up because I really love my husband but I hate to think that someone in my home could be trying to cheat me. What's next? Do I have to lock up my purse inmy own house? Cheated Dear Cheated: You started your note by suggesting that "there is nothing more I could ask for." Evidently there is much more you could ask for. Each culture holds a unique interpretation of marriage. For some the male is dominant. For others the female is dominant. What is consistent, however, is that there is an understanding of accepted behaviors and roles necessary to maintain the engagement within the marriage. With more Westernized families, these roles/behaviors tend to be negotiated. They become the "rule book" from which all plays are drawn. What occurs in marriages is that the engagement breaks down because somebody messes with the "rule book" and changes plays without the other coach knowing. Think of a game where all of a sudden the rules of how the game should be played are changed and only one coach is notified. That would be grossly unfair. That must not happen. You have another larger challenge. That there is a perceived freedom to alter the rules is of greater concern because you no longer know how to interpret behaviors. Rules must be negotiated, and change of rules must be negotiated. No rule must be changed with out the approval of the other coach. No coach has privy to bring up the need for a rule change. He cannot be bringing up the need to renegotiate a rule on a whim or whenever it displeases him. You do not have privy to do that either. So you both must discuss and decide how long after a rule is implemented that it could be subject to renegotiation. Otherwise chaos will rule. So, this must be brought back to the table even if, through discussion, the mutual decision is to take it off the table completely. For example, it may be mutually decided that he pays the rent and you pay the groceries, and there is a pool that sum for children's health issues go into. However it is determined, it must be through discussion at the table and subject to renegotiation only after a 4-6 month period. Finally, I can guarantee you that if rule breaking and dominance in one arena is allowed to go unchecked, it will spread to other areas. Dr. Al /Do you have questions? Do you have challenges? Of course you do. Address your questions to Dr.Algernon_Felice@yahoo.com. |
| Ask Dr. Al |
 |